I know it’s been awhile, .. I have been crazy busy.. and most of it all good ;]
I hope everyone is doing well, and having a great summer.. hard to believe its almost over already. The time just passed by like a Bugatti on the autobahn!
in just a few short weeks, I will hit the 13 year mark.. for some reason it has been eating away at me… even now.. @ 1:39am Sunday August 28th.. its 12 years 11 months 1week  1 day 6hours 9mins (as of right this moment) ..
So many things I have imagined over the years, so many  emotions that have taken over my mind as if I were just a character in a movie or some tragic game.. none of this is for pity, this is just reality.
it’s actually demanding sometimes.. for years I had so many things to be angry about, so many things that caused me sorrow, yet over time I did begin to forgive ( never forgetting.. never!) but moments in time were I actually had some serenity and even clarity about past events and life moments that have shaped my world for so very long.
I do love it when a memory of something happy flashes in front of you and you catch yourself smiling, or even a laugh .. if even for just a moment. It’s those times I try to hold on to, I keep close to my soul and heart.. and even though it is very cliche… it warms my heart just thinking about a single moment in time. the ones that stand still and feel warm and your skin tingles just alil..bit..   just a little.

The smells that sometimes catch your attention and draw you back to another time in your life, something that suddenly makes everything alright, although they may be fleeting moments.. they are so precious.. and I love them, and the people that helped create those moments.

I am not sure, where all of this is currently coming from I am somewhat disassociating,, and even in the span of writing this blog I have paused and drifted away with the memories that surround my mind..  and everything that remains. It’s as if I am typing in 3rd person, while watching myself typing in 3rd person.. only to realize I have written sentences I was only dreaming about just seconds ago. (..and NO I am not on any drugs.. LOL)
That is another part of life that makes me ponder about why I made some of the choices regarding such material when I was younger. .. I do not drink, nor par-take in drugs & I do not smoke (it has already been over 7 years since I quit smoking cigarettes!!) it’s so surreal, as if those memories of “my younger days, going to parties with everyone.. were some other life, But do not get me wrong, I wouldn’t change a thing.. we had some amazing times ‘whilst taking.. ummm.. lets say different types of nutrients,, hahha.. they were such fun days, yet trust me at the same time I would never endorse or condone the use of any type of drugs/alcohol BUT.. life is short and live it to the fullest, just know your limit and have FUN!!! make amazing memories no matter what! regardless.. of your own preferences .. just don’t do anything over the line/ and do not do anything that would hurt or endanger anyone else, other then that.. I would be a hypocrite if I were to say “Don’t Do Drugs!!!” lol.. when I was younger I thought I would do some of the things ‘we’ did till the day I passed into and onto the other realm.. but it amazing that at so many stages in your life, you realize you just passed a stage and you are aware of what is happening and you make a change..  and to this day.. it still happens, I am still learning, I am still realizing that everything I knew was only only a miniscule part of the bigger “machine” Life and our world Are such an intricate machine some big areas, some small.. and some do not exist until you find them.. and when that happens, well, that’s a trip all in itself!! heh
In elementary school my and a friend would sneak out at 4am, just to go to the nearby park and stare at the “night/morning” sky..  Life is so short, and we are so small, we have so much potential to reach up and out, but we get caught up in silly .. insignificant things in life that seem like the world will end (at that time) especially in High School, that’s a whole nother universe all by itself ;]
I love life, I love Family & friends.. and its a shame we do not share that with each other more often. it truly is.
When look back at moments in your life, ones that had your so angry.. so spiteful.. and so self absorbed, its almost.. no.. it is so sad.. that we waste that precious time and energy on negative things, on spiteful things, on hurtful things… what truly remains of those moments in life? .. Do you know? I do not have the answers but I do know that .. what remains are wasted precious moments that were so unnecessary (not at the time of course.. during that time it seemed like everything was supposed to be dark and angry, and wasted time).. Why? I know personally I truly enjoy being happy and making moments that make me and others smile, times when just a simple touch can make everything ok! I suppose to me.. what remains is emptiness, missed opportunities to make someone else smile, or laugh.. or just be content with everything around you in that moment that makes that memory, the one you may be thinking of right now.. this very second.. the happy memories, the loving memories.
It all goes back to the machine, where everything turns something else like a giant clock, with gears moving and the pendulum swinging .. the times where everything that seems out of control suddenly comes into focus and some things seem so ridiculous that you have to almost laugh at yourself for feeling or acting a certain way, because now.. what does it look like? what does that hold.. what remains?

I suppose those fragmented memories and actions.. seemed  right at the time, they always do… they Always Did!
Although there is so much sorrow and hurt in this world on the bigger stage, the “real Machine” .. try to remember
moments that made you smile, made you laugh..  made you feel warm, Loved.. or to given love.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend.
.. and with a quick glance and few keystrokes this memory was over…
And this is what remains.

So much money is spent on just absurd things, from a personal to a country to a world perspective there is more than enough wealth to make sure we all.. ALL have a meal and shelter and a basic decent quality of life. Yet w argue.. even right now, people are angry about this very topic.. why? It makes me sad…

here is a just a little statistic.. that can put things into perspective.. just alil bit.. now before anyone blows a gasket and yells and screams this is just an example of a ratio ok?.. ok… did you know.. that the amount of money spent for ice cream in the USA (I AM NOT PICKING ON THE USA!!! this is about everywhere/everyone..ok??? ok…) but.. did you know.. that in 1year, the amount of money spent on ICE CREAM in a fiscal year, could be enough money to make sure everyone in the world has 3 meals a day… IN THE WORLD! yes.. ice cream = world .. just a small ratio fact, nothing to do with blame or anything else… just the fact that, in one year the same amount of money is spent on ice cream then it would cost to feed everyone on our planet 3meals a day (not gourmet meals!! just basic rations we all should have .. that type of food.. calm down..)

But do you see the point ..? the machine is massive, and so many people are stuck in cracks and broken areas they did not ask to be put in.. yet others live with so much wealth, and their world would end if they didn’t have a coffee.. or get their pedi’s & mani’s … its problem that has no one to blame, and every one of us to blame…
And we could fix this problem today if we really wanted to… if we really wanted to make this a better world, we could.
SO that just makes me wonder.. why don’t we?

You can find the statistics of that and all kinds of related ratio-spending on cnn.com and any archive fact-based site has these did you know statistics.. but seriously.. .. what are we doing?? countries are fighting, we are arguing about such small issues and big issues are whispered.. and then the things we don’t like in plain view are basically ..well they don’t exist.. unless we acknowledge them, and we just hate that. so usually we don’t… and people get hurt… for no good reason, other than.. my god is better than your god.. my country is better then yours, my idea is better than yours, my grass is greener then yours… my team is better then yours.. “We” do realize we all live on the same planet right? with “invisible” borders.. and mostly BS reasons to fight… we do realize that.. don’t we???

Well I suppose That’s all I have to say for the moment.. It’s just a thought, a simple little thought that maybe we should all {{Share The Wealth}} !!~

Have a great & safe weekend everyone.

pz.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!~
I have been really missing my ‘soul’ lately…  I think I know why, but the full reasons elude me.I do know I love Samantha Laverty-Rutledge / Samantha Parsons ..My Daughter That Doesn’t Even Know How Much I Love Her.. Or How This Line Of Reality Even Came True.
Everyone Always Says…”One Day”…
Will There Actually Ever Be.. That One Day? My Heart Hurts To Think That Day Will Never Come To Pass, The Monster Grows & Darkens The Thoughts That Are Reserved For Love. Always Fight Them, No Matter How Weak You May Feal,… I Have Lost Many Battles, But… *Sigh*
[...more soon.. ]

Jeremy Laverty

2K2H S L-R @>|–>–>–> 4Ever I <3 U

http://www.jeroc.com

Just updating, nothing really new going on… Although I have been … alil lost more then usual lately, my soul hurts.. its sad.. but… Keep Moving Right?

I hope everyone is well!!~

It is only a day away… a day that haunts me, and a a day that reminds of the love I lost.
For it was on September 20th 1998 @ 7:30pm that I dropped off my princess, my soul
to her mothers place… not knowing that … now.. 12 years later I would be haunted
by the cruel words and actions that took place.. immediately after that day.

They say time heals all wounds, but in some cases that is not true.. for this wound will never heal.
As of tomorrow at 7:30pm it will be 12 years since I last saw, or heard my daughters voice,
the look in her eyes, the warmth of her hug.

I know for a fact she does not know the truth about what happened, or why..
I just pray that someday I will see Samantha Laverty-Rutledge [A.K.A. Samantha Parsons ] and she
will at the very least listen to what she does not know. I realize she probably despises me right now
and I have come to terms with that, I have been writing to her since the day she came home from the hospital
.. the best day of my life @ 4:50pm April 15th I watched her come into this world, and it was as they always say
a miracle, and amazing…

Hopefully one day she will have all the journals I have here for her.. close to 17years worth of journals..
I will never stop writing to her, I will never give up hope that one day she will know the truth.
There is one thing that I am grateful for, is that besides the non-truths and the omissions of facts her mother never told her..
throughtout the years.. Chris was a very good Mother, from the very first day she was born, Christine loved Samantha
more the life itself, and you could see it.. and for that I am so grateful to Christine, I always have been.
Which is why the spiteful games and misleading truths were so hard to come to terms with.
.. it summed it up pretty clearly a few months ago.. when Christine had told me
~ "Samantha didn’t even know you were her father, she thought you were just one of my friends" Samantha was almost 5yrs old the last time
I ever heard from her.. but before the gradual disappearance of my daughter from my life.. Chris would always
say things like.. "you will always be her father" … "The photo albums of you are out for her to see everyday"
which was all lies.. obviously.. or she would have known.

The fact the between Sept 1998 and april 1999 the spiteful games and horrible words worked exactly how she wanted them to..
When someone comes out and says "We don’t need a part-time father around" … "I only want a regular family " (regarding her husband and son they had)
..and when I called for her birthday.. I got "Don’t ever Fucking call here again" .. I was already depressed and suffering from PTSD
and when you hear something like that… it doesn’t just hurt.. it kills part of you.

Now.. I made mistakes.. and i have & will carry them forever.. but I did not deserve to have my soul stolen from me.
And even to this day.. Chris still doesn’t know why I was ‘depressed’ .. I do know her ego thought i was depressed because
we broke up (which in hindsight is almost laughable) but she actually used my PTSD against me.. used the fact that
my greatest fear in this world was to not be there for Samantha . because my Bio-Dad left b4 I was born, and I promised
myself I would never ..ever… not be in my childs life.. and she knew that.. and she used it.

But that still isn’t what triggered my depression.. it was a catalyst absolutely.. but something very dark from my child hood
had begun to surface in my life, and back in 1997 .. no doctor knew what was happening, why I was having panic attacks.. why i was suicidal
which is why, it bothers me so.. that my misery and suffering.. was actually used against me.. it was so cruel, from someone I thought I loved.
Which I why I said it was almost laughable that Chris thought she was the reason I was so depressed.. her ego was.. well..
**Samantha know I love you with every fiber of my soul, I always have and I always will.. 2hugs & 2kisses  @>–>–>– 4ever <3

I am writing most of this because so many people have suffered or are suffering from depression and PTSD and other forms of mental distress
and I hope they know that help is out there.. I was alone for so many years, if it wasn’t for my mother, and the thought of one day
seeing my soul again.. I would not be here.
People may judge you, or think they are better then you, but just remember that you owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything, and
don’t be afraid to ask for help.. that was my biggest mistake, I was counting on someone that didn’t care, and didn’t want to.. don’t let that be you.
and one other piece of advice.. for the people that hurt you.. forgive them, the stress and anxiety are not worth ruining your life,
I realize this is so much easier said then done.. but try… and find people that understand.. we are out there.

Well.. its only 29hours till .. that memory makes a full comeback into my reality, and this year.. I will be sad, I will cry, but I won’t be angry or mad
… If you know someone that is suffering from depression, or is sad.. call them.. go out for lunch, something simple can make all the difference in the world
and that is what true friends do.

Have a great day Multiverse!~
]]> http://jeroccom.wordpress.com/2010/09/19/sept-20th/feed/ 0 jeroccom http://jeroccom.wordpress.com/2010/05/25/todays-blog-may-25th-2010/ http://jeroccom.wordpress.com/2010/05/25/todays-blog-may-25th-2010/#comments Tue, 25 May 2010 12:17:19 +0000 Jer OC http://jeroccom.wordpress.com/2010/05/25/todays-blog-may-25th-2010 ]]> Hello Multiverse,

I hope everyone had a wikked awesome weekend, and for my fellow Canuks… a fun & safe long weekend!~
Just sitting here, getting parts ready to upgrade one of my towers, and updating links from jeroc.com
and realized that Facebook and my own site have really taken me away from this blog/msn site.
So many good memories.. so many great blogs.. I just had to stop by and visit for awhile to say hello ;p

The last few months have been up and down… my health has been a-bit rough but I have to give my friends total
props for making life fun and keeping me occupied ;]
So many things in life seem so important and overwhelming, but if you look at the bigger picture and take a moment
to understand the grand machine… some stress and worries can be resolved and put into perspective.
which again.. I have to thank my friends a lot for =)

I wonder about things that plague me.. things that have given me nightmares and sadness for so many years,
I wonder why a person can decide to take a way a life or a connection with your own blood for their own gains
then justify it later on in life with a few simple words of… "well.. I didn’t want her.. around.. umm .. you know"
that was the entirety of the sentence .. no further explanation of what "you know" actually meant.. or
what she didn’t want her to be around… it’s sad.. and has forever jaded my soul.. to hear such words
used as an explanation as to why I had not seen my own soul.. my own blood for over a decade, hit
my chest like a fresh punch… almost as if to re-open the old wound, a cruel sentence.. something that was meant to hurt.
Many of the spiteful things that were done, I let go.. I had to for my own sanity…
~the worse part..the actual reason I became so sad (over a decade ago) was not because of some high school drama..
or some misguided love or vain petty reasons. It was from a dark sad place that had been hidden away from childhood…
~that I had repressed for years~ My mind had hidden away events to protect me.
I didn’t even fully understand until just a few years ago… and even now.. I still look for solace and forgiveness
for those that had hurt me so deeply, to the father I never had.. and to the abuser that had forever changed my life.
*that’s the real problem though isn’t it… repressed memories only hurt you… later…

The truth is, when someone doesn’t want to understand something … that’s all there is. They either listen to you and try to
help.. or they mock you and throw spiteful and hurtful objects at your soul.
Which actually is a testament to the Vanity of people.. when they think a situation is actually about them..
The sheer anxiety inside cripples and makes the ‘self’ doubt everything.. and actually allows
others to manipulate you.. making you think, that the outcomes that are about to come to bear are actually
the best solution for everyone….

It’s these times in life when you truly find out what someone thinks of you.. and more importantly .. what they
think of themselves. Something important to remember… trust yourself, even when the darkness surrounds you
and you feel that everything is lost… look to those that do not judge you, the ones that listen to you.. even if you
only have 1 word to say, they listen & ‘hear’ you.

Which actually brings me back to my original thoughts… that the stress we carry is relative to the amount of
weight we actually give it. In the great machine, the bigger picture… When we can look from the outside
and understand ourselves while looking back, that’s when we can release some of the weight, and in turn
help someone else that is out amid the waves, that need help… that need some understanding, and not judgments

]]> http://jeroccom.wordpress.com/2010/05/25/todays-blog-may-25th-2010/feed/ 0 jeroccom http://jeroccom.wordpress.com/2010/01/03/a-happy-new-year/ http://jeroccom.wordpress.com/2010/01/03/a-happy-new-year/#comments Sun, 03 Jan 2010 22:48:20 +0000 Jer OC http://jeroccom.wordpress.com/2010/01/03/a-happy-new-year ]]>