I know it’s been awhile, .. I have been crazy busy.. and most of it all good ;]
I hope everyone is doing well, and having a great summer.. hard to believe its almost over already. The time just passed by like a Bugatti on the autobahn!
in just a few short weeks, I will hit the 13 year mark.. for some reason it has been eating away at me… even now.. @ 1:39am Sunday August 28th.. its 12 years 11 months 1week 1 day 6hours 9mins (as of right this moment) ..
So many things I have imagined over the years, so many emotions that have taken over my mind as if I were just a character in a movie or some tragic game.. none of this is for pity, this is just reality.
it’s actually demanding sometimes.. for years I had so many things to be angry about, so many things that caused me sorrow, yet over time I did begin to forgive ( never forgetting.. never!) but moments in time were I actually had some serenity and even clarity about past events and life moments that have shaped my world for so very long.
I do love it when a memory of something happy flashes in front of you and you catch yourself smiling, or even a laugh .. if even for just a moment. It’s those times I try to hold on to, I keep close to my soul and heart.. and even though it is very cliche… it warms my heart just thinking about a single moment in time. the ones that stand still and feel warm and your skin tingles just alil..bit.. just a little.
The smells that sometimes catch your attention and draw you back to another time in your life, something that suddenly makes everything alright, although they may be fleeting moments.. they are so precious.. and I love them, and the people that helped create those moments.
I am not sure, where all of this is currently coming from I am somewhat disassociating,, and even in the span of writing this blog I have paused and drifted away with the memories that surround my mind.. and everything that remains. It’s as if I am typing in 3rd person, while watching myself typing in 3rd person.. only to realize I have written sentences I was only dreaming about just seconds ago. (..and NO I am not on any drugs.. LOL)
That is another part of life that makes me ponder about why I made some of the choices regarding such material when I was younger. .. I do not drink, nor par-take in drugs & I do not smoke (it has already been over 7 years since I quit smoking cigarettes!!) it’s so surreal, as if those memories of “my younger days, going to parties with everyone.. were some other life, But do not get me wrong, I wouldn’t change a thing.. we had some amazing times ‘whilst taking.. ummm.. lets say different types of nutrients,, hahha.. they were such fun days, yet trust me at the same time I would never endorse or condone the use of any type of drugs/alcohol BUT.. life is short and live it to the fullest, just know your limit and have FUN!!! make amazing memories no matter what! regardless.. of your own preferences .. just don’t do anything over the line/ and do not do anything that would hurt or endanger anyone else, other then that.. I would be a hypocrite if I were to say “Don’t Do Drugs!!!” lol.. when I was younger I thought I would do some of the things ‘we’ did till the day I passed into and onto the other realm.. but it amazing that at so many stages in your life, you realize you just passed a stage and you are aware of what is happening and you make a change.. and to this day.. it still happens, I am still learning, I am still realizing that everything I knew was only only a miniscule part of the bigger “machine” Life and our world Are such an intricate machine some big areas, some small.. and some do not exist until you find them.. and when that happens, well, that’s a trip all in itself!! heh
In elementary school my and a friend would sneak out at 4am, just to go to the nearby park and stare at the “night/morning” sky.. Life is so short, and we are so small, we have so much potential to reach up and out, but we get caught up in silly .. insignificant things in life that seem like the world will end (at that time) especially in High School, that’s a whole nother universe all by itself ;]
I love life, I love Family & friends.. and its a shame we do not share that with each other more often. it truly is.
When look back at moments in your life, ones that had your so angry.. so spiteful.. and so self absorbed, its almost.. no.. it is so sad.. that we waste that precious time and energy on negative things, on spiteful things, on hurtful things… what truly remains of those moments in life? .. Do you know? I do not have the answers but I do know that .. what remains are wasted precious moments that were so unnecessary (not at the time of course.. during that time it seemed like everything was supposed to be dark and angry, and wasted time).. Why? I know personally I truly enjoy being happy and making moments that make me and others smile, times when just a simple touch can make everything ok! I suppose to me.. what remains is emptiness, missed opportunities to make someone else smile, or laugh.. or just be content with everything around you in that moment that makes that memory, the one you may be thinking of right now.. this very second.. the happy memories, the loving memories.
It all goes back to the machine, where everything turns something else like a giant clock, with gears moving and the pendulum swinging .. the times where everything that seems out of control suddenly comes into focus and some things seem so ridiculous that you have to almost laugh at yourself for feeling or acting a certain way, because now.. what does it look like? what does that hold.. what remains?
I suppose those fragmented memories and actions.. seemed right at the time, they always do… they Always Did!
Although there is so much sorrow and hurt in this world on the bigger stage, the “real Machine” .. try to remember
moments that made you smile, made you laugh.. made you feel warm, Loved.. or to given love.
I hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend.
.. and with a quick glance and few keystrokes this memory was over…
And this is what remains.
