It is only a day away… a day that haunts me, and a a day that reminds of the love I lost.
For it was on September 20th 1998 @ 7:30pm that I dropped off my princess, my soul
to her mothers place… not knowing that … now.. 12 years later I would be haunted
by the cruel words and actions that took place.. immediately after that day.
They say time heals all wounds, but in some cases that is not true.. for this wound will never heal.
As of tomorrow at 7:30pm it will be 12 years since I last saw, or heard my daughters voice,
the look in her eyes, the warmth of her hug.
I know for a fact she does not know the truth about what happened, or why..
I just pray that someday I will see Samantha Laverty-Rutledge [A.K.A. Samantha Parsons ] and she
will at the very least listen to what she does not know. I realize she probably despises me right now
and I have come to terms with that, I have been writing to her since the day she came home from the hospital
.. the best day of my life @ 4:50pm April 15th I watched her come into this world, and it was as they always say
a miracle, and amazing…
Hopefully one day she will have all the journals I have here for her.. close to 17years worth of journals..
I will never stop writing to her, I will never give up hope that one day she will know the truth.
There is one thing that I am grateful for, is that besides the non-truths and the omissions of facts her mother never told her..
throughtout the years.. Chris was a very good Mother, from the very first day she was born, Christine loved Samantha
more the life itself, and you could see it.. and for that I am so grateful to Christine, I always have been.
Which is why the spiteful games and misleading truths were so hard to come to terms with.
.. it summed it up pretty clearly a few months ago.. when Christine had told me
~ "Samantha didn’t even know you were her father, she thought you were just one of my friends" Samantha was almost 5yrs old the last time
I ever heard from her.. but before the gradual disappearance of my daughter from my life.. Chris would always
say things like.. "you will always be her father" … "The photo albums of you are out for her to see everyday"
which was all lies.. obviously.. or she would have known.
The fact the between Sept 1998 and april 1999 the spiteful games and horrible words worked exactly how she wanted them to..
When someone comes out and says "We don’t need a part-time father around" … "I only want a regular family " (regarding her husband and son they had)
..and when I called for her birthday.. I got "Don’t ever Fucking call here again" .. I was already depressed and suffering from PTSD
and when you hear something like that… it doesn’t just hurt.. it kills part of you.
Now.. I made mistakes.. and i have & will carry them forever.. but I did not deserve to have my soul stolen from me.
And even to this day.. Chris still doesn’t know why I was ‘depressed’ .. I do know her ego thought i was depressed because
we broke up (which in hindsight is almost laughable) but she actually used my PTSD against me.. used the fact that
my greatest fear in this world was to not be there for Samantha . because my Bio-Dad left b4 I was born, and I promised
myself I would never ..ever… not be in my childs life.. and she knew that.. and she used it.
But that still isn’t what triggered my depression.. it was a catalyst absolutely.. but something very dark from my child hood
had begun to surface in my life, and back in 1997 .. no doctor knew what was happening, why I was having panic attacks.. why i was suicidal
which is why, it bothers me so.. that my misery and suffering.. was actually used against me.. it was so cruel, from someone I thought I loved.
Which I why I said it was almost laughable that Chris thought she was the reason I was so depressed.. her ego was.. well..
**Samantha know I love you with every fiber of my soul, I always have and I always will.. 2hugs & 2kisses @>–>–>– 4ever <3
I am writing most of this because so many people have suffered or are suffering from depression and PTSD and other forms of mental distress
and I hope they know that help is out there.. I was alone for so many years, if it wasn’t for my mother, and the thought of one day
seeing my soul again.. I would not be here.
People may judge you, or think they are better then you, but just remember that you owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything, and
don’t be afraid to ask for help.. that was my biggest mistake, I was counting on someone that didn’t care, and didn’t want to.. don’t let that be you.
and one other piece of advice.. for the people that hurt you.. forgive them, the stress and anxiety are not worth ruining your life,
I realize this is so much easier said then done.. but try… and find people that understand.. we are out there.
Well.. its only 29hours till .. that memory makes a full comeback into my reality, and this year.. I will be sad, I will cry, but I won’t be angry or mad
… If you know someone that is suffering from depression, or is sad.. call them.. go out for lunch, something simple can make all the difference in the world
and that is what true friends do.
Have a great day Multiverse!~
